I Just Want Friends
by arial-destiny
Summary: Russia decides to follow France's advice on making friends - by using pickup lines.


De-anon from the kink meme. Kudos to the requester for the wonderful prompt. This is also a reupload (see profile for details).

Enjoy ;)

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><p>Snow fell in sheets outside and Russia was terribly lonely. After everyone left his house, he didn't know what to do to make some few friends. No one liked him, maybe because he was too big. Was he mean? He didn't think he was mean. Others were scared of him. He didn't think he was scary. His sisters liked him, but he wanted some friends rather than just family. Russia was running out of options and his attempts always failed.<p>

Out of nowhere, France's words of advice echoed in his head and he suddenly realized that perhaps he should do exactly as France said! France was home of the most visited city in the world, he must have the best advice on making friends!

Russia stopped pacing in front of the fireplace and thought for a moment.

"Pick-up lines...pick-up lines...oh!"

He began to pace again. The internet, he would check the internet for help! It was a sure way to get some ideas!

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><p>Italy turned around to face Russia, pizza slice stuck in his mouth, "wuuuttt?" he mumbled, trying to chew and talk at once.<p>

"Italy," Russia smiled and Italy backed away a bit, "I must be lost...I thought paradise was further south!"

Italy blinked and swallowed the piece he was chewing on, "oh! Big brother Romano is upstairs! Let me get him for you!" and off he ran. Russia sighed, that wasn't what he meant. Actually, he didn't really understand what it was that he meant. The internet was confusing sometimes.

"Hurry up, asshole! What do you want from me?" Romano growled as he was prevented from escaping by his brother. Russia coughed into his fist and got ready. It would work this time!

"How do you like your coffee? Because I grind so fine," Russia said from behind his scarf. Romano squinted as he continued to glare at Russia with an annoyed expression.

"Go away bastard! I only drink Italian espresso!" Romano threw a tomato in Russia's face. Russia didn't like tomatoes, except for in soups and his face wasn't a soup.

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><p>Spain was a friendly guy! Russia was sure that Spain would be his friend! He knocked on Spain's door rapidly before it flew open to reveal a cheerfully smiling nation, a tomato in each hand.<p>

"ROMANO! I knew you would visit me eventually! Ever since Italy united, you've been ignoring me! You hanged up on me 378 times this week but-" Spain opened his eyes as he took a good look at Russia, "wait...you don't look like Romano..."

Russia shook his tomato covered face and asked, "I'm hungry for crabs. Will you spread open your legs for me?"

Spain blinked several times and smiled as he figured out what Russia wanted, "the restaurant down the road has amazing seafood! But I have to call Romano for the 379th time, so I have to go!"

The door slammed in his face. Russia felt slightly discouraged.

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><p>"Hello?" America asked from the other end of the phone. America's house was on another continent, so Russia decided a phone call was more environment friendly than taking a plane there. And he had the perfect pick-up line too! The internet dwellers were so brilliant!<p>

"You be Dairy Queen and I be Burger King. Treat me right and I'll have a blizzard with my burger."

Silence.

"Sorry dude. I like MacDonald's better."

_Beep, beep, beep! _

Aww, America hanged up! Now he knew how Spain felt. But Spain didn't give up, and neither would Russia! He punched in America's number again and waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?"

"You must be a magnet, because you've attracted my buns of steel."

"The iron curtain isn't up anymore, you know."

_Beep, beep, beep!_

He dialled again.

"Hello..."

"I think I crapped my pants. Can I get into yours?"

_Beep, beep, beep!_

Darn! Not again! Russia was really beginning to respect Spain's resiliency.

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><p>Germany was coming back from a walk with his dogs when he found Russia on his doorstep.<p>

"What is it that you want?" he asked, hoping it wasn't war-related for once. Russia grinned and pulled his scarf on tighter.

"If you're hot, I bet I can cool you down."

Germany's three dogs growled at the stranger.

"I'm sure Russia is a very cold place. Please move aside, I need to type up an essay about my walk with my dogs and analyze the growth rate of their fur. Please don't bother brother Prussia, he still doesn't like you."

Germany pushed Russia out of the way as he made his way into his house. Russia was very sad. Germany confirmed his fears. Other nations simply didn't like him! But he couldn't just give up!

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><p>Austria opened the door.<p>

"I am cosine squared and you are sine squared, together we make one."

Austria straightened his glasses. Was he hearing Russia correctly?

"Excuse me?" he asked.

"I am cosine squared and you are sine squared, together we make one."

Austria pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Was he sick and hallucinating?

"I'm sorry, I still didn't catch that."

"I am cosine squared and you are sine squared, together we make one."

Austria took his glasses off, fogged them with his breath, and wiped them clean, unsure if it was really Russia in front of him. He put them back on and saw that it was still Russia.

"I'm very sorry, but you'll have to excuse me. I seem to be ill."

He closed the door. Russia hoped he didn't catch a cold too, he was already feeling down.

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><p>England opened his door, sipping tea from a teacup with a burnt scone in his other hand. As he saw Russia's face, he slowly began to close it but Russia quickly stopped it with his foot.<p>

"England. I have a confession to make."

England knitted his eyebrows and replied, "What is it?"

"I made those crop circles. I just wished you had more than one anus."

Tea joined the tomato on Russia's face.

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><p>China was hugging a fake Pikachu toy as he opened his door.<p>

"Oh, Russia? Do you want to come in for some snacks?" he asked out of hospitality, hoping Russia would decline.

"Want to see my hard drive? It's longer than 5 meters and isn't floppy."

China blinked, was that a yes or a no?

"Uh...I see you're busy making some sort of super computer...see you later!"

The door slammed shut once again. Tea and tomatoes dripped from Russia's hair. He was really hoping China would let him in.

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><p>Japan bowed as Russia entered the courtyard, broom in hand as he paused from sweeping.<p>

"Good day to you, Russia-san. The cherry blossoms are very beautiful this year, don't you agree?" he remarked politely. Russia tried to bow back but hit his head against a low tree branch.

"Ow!"

"Are you all right?" Japan asked, looking slightly worried.

"I'm fine. The question is, however, if you are a speeding ticket."

Japan blinked in confusion, "Uh, I was a nation the last time I checked."

"Are you sure you are not a speeding ticket? Because you have fine written all over you!"

An awkward silence.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Russia," Japan started, looking away from his eyes, "but...I'll think about it," and he left Russia standing amidst the blossoms as he resumed sweeping in the opposite direction.

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><p>It was going to be his last attempt. Russia had all but given up on France's advice. Maybe it only worked when France did it, because so far he had been unsuccessful. The phone rang three times before being picked up by a meek voice.<p>

"H-hello? Canada speaking," Canada said.

"You're big, and we all know it's not what you do with it, it's the size that counts!"

A chuckled sounded from the other end of the phone.

"I totally agree there buddy! I'm the second largest country after you, yet no one really notices me. Sure, there's a lot of tundra but it's not about what you do with it! It's definitely the size that matters!"

Russia was filled with happiness. Canada had called him 'buddy!'

"We should compare our landmass, if you know what I mean," Russia replied, for once full of vigour.

Canada chuckled once again, "sure! Do you want to come over? Or should I?"

Russia grinned as he arranged a time to meet up, and hanged up the phone feeling much better than when he had called America three times. He skipped back and forth in front of the fireplace, humming an old Soviet tune as he tried to contain his excitement.

Finally, Russia had a friend!


End file.
